Name it, Claim it, Reframe it

In my last post, I discussed how we repress feelings that we have been told not to feel because they are somehow wrong or make us “bad”.

But what do you do with those feelings when it’s not appropriate or is uncomfortable to express them in the moment? In my own work with the feelings I’ve been suppressing, I’ve come up with a system that works for me that I’d like to share with you called Name it, Claim it, Reframe it.

Name it – when an uncomfortable feeling comes up, name it. Is it anger? Resentment? Sadness? Grief? Rage? Worthlessness? Whatever it is, call it by it’s name. Call it what it is. Do not go down the path of “I’m not supposed to get enraged” to try to minimize or avoid the feeling. If you feel rage then call what you feel rage.

Claim it – say to yourself that you feel what you feel. “I feel rage.” “I feel sad.” “I feel grief.” “I feel angry.” All you have to do is acknowledge that you feel whatever it is that you feel. I do strongly suggest that you use “I feel” and not “I am”, as this is a feeling that will pass and not a permanent state.

Reframe it (when appropriate) – before you express yourself, stop and consider whether it is appropriate to tell others what you feel right now. Sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t. The most important thing that you are doing in this process is acknowledging to yourself how you feel and that what you feel is valid for you right now. If the other person is going to invalidate your or try to make you believe that your feelings are wrong, it’s probably for the best that you don’t tell them. You may find that it is best to reframe your feelings as something more “appropriate” (to them) instead of stating out loud what you are currently feeling. “I don’t like it when you ______, and I would appreciate it if you stop.” You can still express that what’s going on is unacceptable without risking being told you’re wrong (and then further suppressing).

That’s it – a brief overview of the simple three-step process that I use to work with the feelings I’ve been suppressing that still come up. I’d love your feedback on this! Please comment below to let me know what you think or what you’d change. And if this resonates with you and you’d like some coaching on applying this system, please contact me to arrange a complimentary session email dangereuse@femmefataleover50.com).